Looking back to my university days, I remember my friend Tokunbo. Tokunbo is this pretty damsel. Full of life and from a lovely background, she is really down to earth. You can never be bored any time you are with her— she’s indeed fun to be with.
Tokunbo’s Parents Were Never Married
The story of Tokunbo is such an interesting one. She was raised by a single mum because her parents never got married. Tokunbo’s dad had earlier rejected her pregnancy but later accepted it after pressure from her mum’s family. Despite that, this young lady enjoyed much love and support from her family while growing up.
Tokunbo was from a devoted Christian home. Growing up as a young lady, she gets attention from a lot of guys, dated several of them, but most of the relationships crashed.
While in her third year in the university, she met one Banji, a young handsome, charming, and funny dude who was the typical “ladies man”
Banji, who was in his final year at that time, started going out with my friend who had developed special interest in him.
Things fall apart
Within three months of dating, Tokunbo got pregnant but the “love of her life” rejected it because he “wasn’t ready to father a child, yet”.
And then hell was let loose when Tokunbo’s mum, who couldn’t tolerate her daughter having a child out of wedlock considering her own ordeal in early life, insisted they got married. In a bid to prevent shame and ridicule, Banji’s parents consented.
The parents sponsored the wedding only for the bridegroom to start misbehaving. Just two years into their marriage, Banji had moved out of their rented apartment without informing his wife. He left with no trace and his family never bother as well.
Five years down the line, Tokunbo had become a single mom, fending for her son all alone. Come to think of it, she got married at 22 only to be divorced, in a most embarrassing manner, at 24 while many of her mates are still enjoying singlehood.
Sometimes in life while trying to solve a problem, we create more. The parents of Tokunbo and Banji were trying to cover up the mistake of their children by getting them to marry hurriedly. But they eventually plunged them into more crises.
Lessons from the story of Tokunbo
Marrying for the wrong reason is one of the reasons we have more single-parent homes and domestic violence increasing daily in our society today. Unless we put this in check, we should expect more broken homes.
This story clearly shows Tokunbo and Banji never got to know each other well enough before getting married. Their parents insisted they forcefully live together as husband and wife for these reasons:
1. To cover up the mistake—getting pregnant out of wedlock—of Banji and Tokunbo.
2. To avoid a repeat of the ugly story surrounding the birth of Tokunbo.
3. To save and prevent their families from shame and reproach.
4. To keep the family honour.
But these are not enough reasons to take up a lifelong decision you know.
Getting pregnant by ‘mistake’ is not enough reason to marry a man. Also, it’s not the end of life. Making the mistake of getting pregnant out of wedlock does not mean you can’t settle with the man of your choice later in life. We all have different routes to our various destinations. And what is more important is reaching there, irrespective of the hurdles we scale on our way there.
For me, I think the parents should have allowed Tokunbo to take care of the baby while giving her enough room to know Banji more so she could decide whether or not he is suitable for her as a future partner.
Moreover, Tokunbo’s Christian belief does not support re-marrying while your spouse is still alive. Based on that premise, she can’t re-marry.
The last I heard about her, she’s doing well with her son but still separated from Banji who is now married to another woman anyway.
In truth, it is always better to get it right from the outset rather than trying to get it fixed later in life. You can’t solve a problem with another problem; instead, you should create a solution to the problem.
Join me every week on this space as I share more stories with viable lessons from which you can gain more insight about relationships.
Oyinloye Tomilayo is a Relationship coach and contributor at Pep Naija. She’s obsessed with helping people to build healthy relationships.
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Editor’s note: The views expressed in this article are those of the author. They do not in any way represent that of Pep Naija.